Wont let him control me anymore. I can't. On a subconscious level, since the death, even without any contact with him, he has been in control of my thoughts and my actions. I am ready to let go of him completely.. I am ready to, I want to.... if only someone could tell me how. How Can I stop my heart from aching every time I think of him? How can I stop my mind from racing into all of the things I should have done whenever someone brings up his name?
Its been over for years now... but the pain of it all still lingers around me.. My heart is damaged because of him. I Know what I need to do, and this whole time I have known what I need to do, I just need to let it all go, but I dont know how to let it all go.. I dont want to forget about it completly.. the truth is he was my first love, and not everything was terrible.. I believe there was a time when we both loved eachother the same way... or at least I would like to believe in that. How can I let go of the painful parts without letting go of the things that made me smile.. and is it possible to ever remember the things that made me smile without feeling the sting of losing everything I spent so long fighting for? Maybe today I need a little bit of advice.. I just want to be free from the pain in my heart over him.. he has no right anymore to be in my head controling any part of my thoughts and I dont want it.
The truth is he will never change and I Know that, but I have changed and I will continue to change and learn and grow as a person.. this means that I dont need him..in any way anymore, my life has run its course of him and now I want all the pain that I have felt over him to leave and I Dont want to feel it anymore.. When I move on to love someone new again, I dont want any part of that to suffer because of the way my heart was broken in the past, I Dont want to not be able to let someone in because of MJ, I can't do it anymore.. I don't want to.
Truth be told, not that its been anything that is completly out of control, but everything has to start somewhere, and now at this point, im saying, no more. I dont need that lifestyle in any sense of what it means, I do need to follow in the footsteps of my mother as much as I love her, even she dosent want me to become like she once was and I always vowed to myself that I never would and I refuse to mess that up, this is my life and I want great things from it. I have every intention of getting all of those great things in ways that are honest and wholesome.
One day Ill find that guy who I am really ment to spend my life with, though I thought I already found him , a lifetime ago when I was far more nieve than I consider myself to be today.. but I was wrong. and I know that now. Whoever he is I will find him when the time is right and when I do I will open my heart to the love that is there and cherish it in all the ways that I know how to.
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