Unang HAkbang Patungo sa Minimithing Paglaya

May mga bagay sa mundo na minsan kahit gaano mo kagusto o kahit gaano mo ito hilingin na mapasayo eh hinding hindi mangyayari, maaring minsan ipapahiram siya sayo pero para sa sandaling panahon lamang yun. Isang bagay na natutunan ko ngayon ay kung paano mo sasanayin ang sarili mo na wag masyadong magpadala sa agos ng mga bagay na alam mong kahit kealan ay impossibleng mangyari. akala ko noon magiging madali sakin ang lahat akala ko noon sa isang pagpikit lang ng aking mga mata magiging ayos ang lahat pero nagkamali ako! ganun pala kasakit ganun pala ka hirap yung alam mong tapos na yung alam mong kahit anung gawin mo talo ka na!!

Naandito ako ngayon sa sitwasyon kung saan pinipilit kong maging okay at maging malakas para sa aking sarili ipinangako kong hinding hindi ako iiyak„ hinding hindi niya ko makikitang nahihirapan. Patuloy kong binubuhay ang sarili ko sa isang kasinungalingan sa isang pangarap sa isang pagasa na isang araw eh matutunan niya rin akong pahalagahan. Aminado ako isa akong malaking Tanga, isang malaking Bobo. Ilang beses ko nang pinilit ang sarili kong lumayo at maghanap ng isang taong ako naman ang aalagaan yung ako naman ang iisipin pero sa twing makikita ko siya sa twing maririnig ko ang boses niya para akong isang retarded na babalik at babalik sa kanya.

Minsan iniisip ko kahit konti kaya naisip niya yung hirap na pinag dadaanan ko? Naisip niya bang kahit minsan eh sabihin saking tama na o huminto na? Hindi ko alam kung sinasadja niya o kung manhid siya at walang pakiramdam na nasasaktan na ako o sadjang wala lang ciang pakialam sa  akin at sa kung anung mararamdaman ko. Napakahirap maglakad pasulong lalo na kung sa bawat hakbang mo eh kasabay mo siya, kung sa bawat hakbang mo maririnig mo ang boses niya tinatawag ka o ang mata niyang nakatingin sayo.

I did things that i never did sa iba, i sacrifice things na di ko naman talaga ginagawa, nagpapakumbaba ako kahit alam kong hindi ako ang maykasalan kasi mahal ko siya kasi ayaw kong mawala siya sa buhay ko. Pero sa panahon na to hindi na ako papayag na harap harapan na niyang iparamdam sakin na isa akong malaking laruan, isang bagay na pag ayaw mo na eh basta mo na lang iiwan at itatapon. Napakahirap ngumiti lalo na pag nasasaktan! Napaka hirap sabihin okay lang ang lahat lalo na’t di mo na kaya.

Dumarating ako sa punto na gusto ko na siyang tanungin o gusto ko na siyang konfrontahin at tanungin kung anu ba talaga ako sa buhay niya pero natatakot ako kasi alam ko na naman na ang sagot. Dumating na marahil ako sa punto na kahit mahal na mahal ko siya eh mas mahal ko ang sarili ko na kahit mahal na mahal ko siya hindi ko na kaya pang tagalan ang sakit at ang pasakit ng mga bagay bagay!

Nakakalungkot, Nakakasawa, Nakakapanghina at higit sa lahat Nakakapagod! nakakapagod maging tanga nakakapagod maging manyika, nakakapagod umiyak, nakakapagod gumawa ng efforts, nakakapagod ipagsawalang bahala. Alam kong mahirap alam kong isang matagal na processo ang aking pagdadaanan pero handa na ako! Handa na akong lumaya, Handa na kong hanapin muli ang aking sarili at magsimula ng panibagong yugto sa aking buhay. Alam kong hindi madali pero kung di ko sisimulan ngayon kelan pa? Kung di ko susubukan ngayon kelan pa?

Ayokong umabot kame sa posisyon na kung saan kinamumuhian na naming ang isat isa at sa punto na ang pakikipag usap o ang pagtingin lamang sa kanyang mata ay isang malaking pagsubok. Matalino ako at alam kong hindi habang buhay eh maitatago sakin ang katutuhanan. Hindi ako manhid kaya alam ko kung alin ang totoo sa hindi, may dignidad ako kaya di ko hahayan unti unti maubos ang aking pride, Mapagmahal ako kaya di ko pwedeng hayaang dumating sa punto na ipagdadamot ko na ang pagmamahal. Alam kong may plano ang Diyos para sakin! Alam kong mabait ang Diyos at alam kong ginagawa niya lamang to para palakasin ako at ipakita sakin na hindi naman mahalaga kung anu ka o sinu ka ang mahalaga eh kung paano ka nagmahal ng boung puso.

Sa bawat pag patak ng aking luha, sa bawat pag buhos ng ulan sa aking mundo alam kong may aakibat itong ngiti at alam kong sisiskat din ang araw. Marahil itinapon ako at pinaglaruan, iniwan at sinaktan pero alam kong may darating na pupulot sakin at aalagaan ako at tutulungan kalimutan ang hapdi ng nakaraan. Lalaya si Inday! Sa pamamagitan ng maliliit na hakbang alam kong lalaya na ako. At darating ang araw na tuluyan kong malilipad ang himpapawid patungo sa inaasam asam na pagibig…

Blessing in Disguise

It has been a long time since I wrote something about me and my life, in the past few months i have been undergoing a process where in I know had send me astray for a while. In life not everything we wanted is given, not everything we wished for is answered. For the past 7 months I’ve been crying for a certain reason; a person whom I gave my all, a person whom I thought would never turn his back on me. I’m basically not gonna whine about it but on the other hand use this experience to show people that life doesn’t stop where your heartbreaks begun.

I’ve been stupid! Yes stupid to cry over and over again about the same thing. Stupidly wait and wish that he would be able to appreciate all my efforts. Stupidly think that he would be able to at least be thankful and happy with me in his life. I spend my days thinking hoping and wishing that one day he would smile back on me and at least say thank you.

Yes i’m bitter yet i’m getting better, my mom always says when some things end some things will surely open. Opportunities will be pouring down like crazy. I’ll be a hypocrite kung sasabihin kong okay lang ako o hindi ako nasasaktan pag nakikita ko siya. Oo masakit oo naiinis ako pero pag naiisip ko na may isang taong dumating sa buhay ko para sabihin sakin at iparamdam sakin na hindi ko deserve ang mga ng yayari nagiging thankful ako, kasi kung hindi siguro ngyari ito hindi ko makikilala yung taong nagpapapasaya sakin ngayon, marahil hangang ngayon eh kabilang padin ako sa kapisanan ng mga tanga, lupon ng umaasa sa wala at higit sa isa padin akong mulala, mulala sa katotohanan na isa lang laru ang lahat.

Masaya ako ngayon kasi may isang taong nagligtas sakin, may isang taong pumulot sakin, may isang taong kahit pa matigas ang ulo ko, makulit at moody ay hindi nagsasawang ipadama sakin na mahalaga din ako sa kanya. Nagpapasalamat ako sa taong nagpaiyak sakin nanakit sakin alam ko namang di niya sinasadja ang lahat pero salamat padin kasi kung hindi dahil sa lahat ng pain na naranasan ko hindi ko malalaman kung gaano ako katatag at gaano ako kalakas. Oo iyakin ako, oo isip bata ako pero ipinangako ko sa sarili ko na hinding hindi ako magpapatalo sa kahit anumang ipukol sa akin ng mundo.

Natutu ako, nagising sa katotohanan na kahit anung gawin mo kung hindi talaga para sayo eh hindi talaga pwede. Life is like mathematical equation in order to answer the problem you have to consider the given and take note of the constants you may use different formulas or derived new ones from the old ones but the answer will always be the same. I’ve walked a mile and i just ended up in this dead end and there is nothing left for me to do but turn around, turn my back from that familiar face and accept that no matter what i do the road towards him is now blocked And i wouldn’t waste more efforts climbing that brick wall just to continue pursuing something dense something upsetting. I had enough of this game. Besides on my way that wall i come across something more special something much more worthy of my time and effort. Someone who knows how to appreciate. Someone who guided me and  showed me a new path towards happiness.

As i put on my shoes, as i comb my hair and as i take my step outside my door i put on a big smile and thank GOD for this wonderful event in my life, for this amazing blessing and for this awakening and realization that i don’t have to settle for less than what i deserve coz i’m worthy of something real and everything is worth being thankful for.

I would like to take this opportunity to say than you sa aking mga totoong kaibigan nakatulong sakin at sumuporta sa aking mga pagiyak at pagka wala sa tamang direksyon kay aaron rondilla, sir rejun sacdalan, ma’am hualda at ma’am mateo na masugid kong tagapayo at tagapakinig kahit pa halos ikamatay ko ang pagiyak at halos ikawala ko sa ulirat ang bawat pagtatagpo namin eh talaga naman di nagsawa sa aking paulit ulit na pag iyak, kay kuya Tristan (bulas) na araw araw akong tinetext para sabihin saking ipagdadasal niya ako, sa aking Bestfriends si Mark Lorenz (bestybubbles) na walang sawang nagpapatawa sakin at naniniwalang magiging Masaya din ako si Christine Agpoon (boo) na kahit nasa spain eh hindi nagsawa sa kakangawa ko kahit di naman nya alam kung bakit, kay Ramon Nicolas (dobby) na superhero ko! Always on the rescue lalo na when im about to breakdown and fall apart andun siya palage, kay ate Maggie na panay sinasabi sakin na araw araw eh gumaganda ako ahaha, kay Jonathan (kalbo) alam mo na kung bakit linchak ka baka maiyak pa ko pag sinabi ko kung bakit basta alam mo naman kung bakit sobrang thankful ko sayo lalo na nung acquaintance kung wala ka baka naupo nalang ako sa bahay at umiyak!Kay diko MAxie na gumising sa akin sa katotohanan na hindi ko kailangan kailanman magpakabobo at ibaba ang sarili para lang maging maligaya at Masaya! Sa csc family ko kila efren, con, danilo, Rudolf at clarice! Sa teatro family ko na always there! Sa mga bago kong kaklase sa ctp na walang humpay ang pagmamahal sakin di ko na iisaisahin at baka magmukang awards night ang blog ko At higit sa lahat sa Bhebe ko sa pagdating niya sa buhay, sa pagtatama niya ng mga mali sa buhay ko at higit sa lahat sa pagmamahal niya sakin although lage akong napapagalitan kasi matigas ulo ko ahahaha atleast anjan padin siya at di nagsasawang unawain ang mood swings ko! Salamat bheb sa lahat lahat mahal na mahal kita, and i’m thankful that in this process that im was going through you were with me all along....

Love is more than three words mumbled before bedtime. Love is sustained by action, a pattern of devotion in the things we do for each other every day. Love is like a muscle. You do not use it, you lose it. Start loving.  And it will grow. It will become stronger.  Love should not explained. It should be experienced. Practiced

To sum this all up love is basically learning to love yourself, knowing that you are strong enough to survive anything life throws at you, and then finding someone who you don’t mind being vulnerable with, because you trust him/her enough, and you are comfortable enough to shed all ego barriers. You may not find love that easy but never lose hope for as long as there is still tomorrow; there will always be a chance for you to find happiness

My Battle Cry

It’s exactly 2:28 am i was in the middle of my sleep when dreamt about him. Lately  i have been dreaming about him persistently  things that i am afraid to happen. It’s been almost two months when we last talked, when i last saw him and the last time i texted him. But due some unexpected turn events our paths have crossed again and slowly we went back to our normal routine. Actually im glad and psyched to reunite with him again but i have this fear i have this constant doubt that he might start ignoring me again or might end up treating me like stranger like what happen before.

I don’t really know why i am trying to write something right now but i guess i just need to express things that i am afraid of telling him and i through this i could. I love him so much and nothing is gonna change and nothing will change the fact that what ever happens he will always have that special place in my heart. Sa totoo lang di ko alam kung paano ako magsisimula. Di ko alam kung papaano ko ipaparamdam ulit sa kanaya kung gaano siya ka importante sakin.

Sometimes i sit for hours just staring at him trying to think of what to say coz i’m lost for words. I’m still stuck on that very moment when thing went out of hand and i’m afraid very much frightened that one day if i won’t start detaching myself i might end up having a hard time coping up. Ang hirap pala yung araw araw hinihiling mo na kahit maapreciate ka niya. Yung araw araw bago ka umalis ng bahay may takot ka na baka pag di nagging maganda ang takbo ng mga pangyayari eh magkaroon ng di inaasahang di pagkakaunawaan.

Sa totoo lang andito ako sa stage na pilit kong nilalabanan yung takot, yung kahit papaano pinipilit kong wag umiyak o maiyak, nakakatawa kasi minsan boses palang niya marinig ko gusto ko nang umiyak, minsan habang nakatalikod siya i stand a far from him and staring at him trying put myself in a scenario where in he walks away from me minsan sinasanay ko sarili ko para pag andun na ako sa point nay un din a ganun kasakit tulad ng unang pangyayari. Nakakatawa kasi minsan pagnaalala ko kung pano kame dati nung mga unang buwan noon kinikilig ako minsan niiyak pa ko sa sobrang tuwa.

I miss you! I MISS THE OLD YOU yung taong minahal ko noon kung taong handa ko talikuran lahat at tangapin ang sakit para sa kanya. I miss you, the way call my name, the way look at me or the excitement of seeing me, yung times that you would hold my hands with no apparent reasons, yung kahit anung inis mo sakin kakausapin mo ko kasi alam mong iiyak ako and I miss the way you make me feel that i’m loved that i’m appreciated that every moment that share is something to be thankful for.

Minsan gusto kung huminto para tingnan kung lilingon ka at babalikan ako, o kung magtataka ka at tatanungin ako kaso natatakot ako baka mali ako paano kung magtuloy tuloy ka paano kung makalimutan mo o mawala sa isip mo. I’m trying to familiarize myself to every detail of your being, you personality and every thing that is about you para kung sakaling panahaon para umupo na lang ako at hayaan maglakad papalayo sakin maalala padin kita ata para kung sakalaing maisipan mong bumalik sa kung saan mo ko iniwan malayo palang makikilala na kita. O kahit maisipan mo man lang mapadaan sa lugar na kung saan minabuti kong umupo malalaman ko padin ikaw yun.

Nasa processo ako ng pagtangap na may mga bagay na di ko kayang labanan, may mga bagay na ang hirap ipagsawalang bahala, at may mga bagay na hinding hindi ko kalian man matatakasan. To sum this all up i want to be able to conquer the fears that i have and be able love him like before be able to contented to what is there coz right now nothing really matters to me but you. Its hard breathing underwater and sooner or later if i don’t start swimming i might drown and might not be able to continue making you feel how much you mean to me and how much i am willing sacrifice for the sake of your happiness. Things happen for a reason and i know i will be able tos lowly understand why it happened. I may not be able to stop the tears from falling down but i’m trying my best to be brave at all times. I may not be the person for you but always be here to watch your back. I may not be able to be that understanding but i will try my best learn how, i may be moody at certain times but i’m sure that i would never turn back on you.

Much has said, much has been done i guess the only option i have right night is to close my eyes and hope for a better tomorrow. Hope that one day i will be able to look at you seeing smile at me telling that i am making you happy........
Inday will always always be inlove with you and nothing could ever replace you... inday loves bossing so much.....

Keep Holding On

As a child I always dreamed of finding that person who is wishing on the same star as I do, my journey to happiness is never easy. Everyone knows how complicated life would be especially to those who believe that life is a pattern; series of unexpected events that would continuously nurture us to the extent of our existence. Who would have imagine that I have survived something so dreadful, and I have continued my hunt for euphoria, the stage where-in I would just stand and feel every bit of happiness life has to offer.

On the age of 22 I could say that I’ve proven so much an have been surmounting life’s cruelty, and as I embark to this new path that I’ve chose I hope and I pray that somewhere, somehow there would still be a chance for me to grasp on to something more that I deserve to have. The hope that I’ve lost is slowly sinking back to me now. Those sentiments that have been the source of pain and tears are fading away. I’m running out of theories that would explain the truth behind the phenomena that have been taking its stall on me and as I feel every air that I breathe I realize that in life, not all things are meant to be, you’re lucky just by waking up every morning and seeing how wonderful the world is and how magical every possible event that would happen in your life.

I may not understand the advantage or the disadvantage of this sudden turn of events but one thing is for sure I am mature enough to stand and fight for the things that matters and for the things worth fighting for. To sum this all up, people tend to take advantage of the fact that we only live one life and by saying so we must laugh like there is no tomorrow, love like it’s our last and live like we’re dying! Unfortunate events are given to test our strength and faith. So never lose hope, never falter coz one day everything will make sense, one day everything’s going to be okay and one day someone’s going to be there for you through all the hardship and withstand life’s ordeal but for now just hang on and believe.

Confession Of a Dying Heart

Wont let him control me anymore. I can't. On a subconscious level, since the death, even without any contact with him, he has been in control of my thoughts and my actions. I am ready to let go of him completely.. I am ready to, I want to.... if only someone could tell me how. How Can I stop my heart from aching every time I think of him? How can I stop my mind from racing into all of the things I should have done whenever someone brings up his name?

Its been over for years now... but the pain of it all still lingers around me.. My heart is damaged because of him. I Know what I need to do, and this whole time I have known what I need to do, I just need to let it all go, but I dont know how to let it all go.. I dont want to forget about it completly.. the truth is he was my first love, and not everything was terrible.. I believe there was a time when we both loved eachother the same way... or at least I would like to believe in that. How can I let go of the painful parts without letting go of the things that made me smile.. and is it possible to ever remember the things that made me smile without feeling the sting of losing everything I spent so long fighting for? Maybe today I need a little bit of advice.. I just want to be free from the pain in my heart over him.. he has no right anymore to be in my head controling any part of my thoughts and I dont want it.

The truth is he will never change and I Know that, but I have changed and I will continue to change and learn and grow as a person.. this means that I dont need him..in any way anymore, my life has run its course of him and now I want all the pain that I have felt over him to leave and I Dont want to feel it anymore.. When I move on to love someone new again, I dont want any part of that to suffer because of the way my heart was broken in the past, I Dont want to not be able to let someone in because of MJ, I can't do it anymore.. I don't want to.

Truth be told, not that its been anything that is completly out of control, but everything has to start somewhere, and now at this point, im saying, no more. I dont need that lifestyle in any sense of what it means, I do need to follow in the footsteps of my mother as much as I love her, even she dosent want me to become like she once was and I always vowed to myself that I never would and I refuse to mess that  up, this is my life and I want great things from it. I have every intention of getting all of those great things in ways that are honest and wholesome.

 One day Ill find that guy who I am really ment to spend my life with, though I thought I already found him , a lifetime ago when I was far more nieve than I consider myself to be today.. but I was wrong. and I know that now. Whoever he is I will find him when the time is right and when I do I will open my heart to the love that is there and cherish it in all the ways that I know how to.

A Letter For You

Dear You,
We had a time where we thought the world was ours, where our love could conquer anything, and that we would stay together till the end of time. We were invincible. We had it all, and we watched as it fell apart, you with tainted eyes, and me with tears. There was a time where I would dedicate the sappiest love song to you, and now all I can think of is our mistakes.You threw me away, over and over and I let you back in over and over. It was my mistake, but we were a mistake. A beautiful wonderful mistake that I wouldn't take back if the world depended on it. Because I love you, I will always love you, and even though I was angry, I'm not, I am hurt, I will always be hurt by your decision to cheat on me, I will always be hurt that you weren't the one to tell me what had happened, and that when I confronted you with it, you played it off.
But good things always come to an end, and the love we had will come again, and it's taken me this long to realize that and I hope one day you will find the one that you think is worthy enough of all you have to offer.

Sincerely,
Me

My Sanctuary

I decided to put myself back inside my box.  I guess I'm just not ready to face the world after all.  I miss my box.  Of course, it will never be the same inside of it, having glimpsed the Hell we call humanity.  My box is just big enough to fit me in it a couple times.  Chains wrap around my ankles.  He tried to tell me to stay.  He asked if we could lock ourselves in a box together.  Why?  So he can leave.  The thought of my safe place falling apart terrifies me.  Just the thought of watching it crumble and fall between my fingers makes me want to cry out in pain. 
So here I go again.  Into my box with the one-way glass walls and ceiling.  I can watch as humanity slowly unravels itself further.  I can laugh because I will know that I had nothing to do with that world.  I'll watch as people suffer from hearbreak.  And then decide to "love" once again.  And it goes on and on.  A never - ending cycle that I want to have nothing to do with.  I close myself inside this box.  Away from any pain.  Away from any human contact.  I don't need either.  The only presence I should feel is God.  That's all I want to feel.  No more heart break.  No more anything.  I'm locking myself away.  Putting an end to everything I shouldn't be feeling at this age.
I will admit to one thing.  I will miss him.  He made me smile.  He made me cry.  Yet I still love him.  This is what I am protecting myself from.  People like him.  Those who cared once upon a time, and then changed their mind.  People who throw around a sacred word that I can't stand to tell anyone anymore.  He hurt me...so bad.  I don't think I will ever fully recover.  But I know, if I stay in my box, my Sanctuary, people like him can never hurt me again. 
In my box is another smaller, more precious box.  It holds my best friend.  Silver and sharp.  Always there.  My best friend would never leave me.  He is always in the same place.  He helps me when I need relief.  He would never hurt me.  He is my pocket knife that I love so dearly.
And if I ever think about coming out of my box, well, that's what the chains are for.  They hold me to the ground.  They keep me inside.  Even if I beg to leave.  The chains are formed out of the links.  The links are formed out of memories.  All I will ever have to do is look downa and remember everything...everyone...who ever hurt me.  Who ever tried to hurt me.  I will remember every Hello; and every Good-Bye that followed.
I'm scared.  I'm scarred.  I didn't know what to do.  All I remembered is dreaming.  Dreaming about everyone I know in a room.  Me in the center.  I was always crying.  I was always hurt.  It would have helped to have a friend to talk to.  But I kept turning in circles, looking at everyone.  They all, one - by - one, turned their backs and left.  And there I was.  In an empty room.  As alone in this world as the day I came out of my box.  That's why I decide to go back.
Slowly, my heart will heal.  But I will never forget what this world had done to me.  It tore me down.  Day. After. Day. After. Day.  I will never forgive it for that.  Never.  So here I go World.  I'm glad you had a good time destroying me...